Monday, February 22, 2010

Fear

WIT opened over the weekend. The week leading up to the opening entailed three previews, one of which scared the heck out of me. It was one of those painful "I can't wait until this is over" kind of nights. I was definitely not playing on the edge of the cliff. I had stepped way back into "planning" and, consequently, was not having very much fun.

A conversation with my director and an email from my acting teacher put into focus my fear. Fear. I am so sick of being afraid in my art. I am done with it. I am going to look fear in the face each and every night I tell the story. I will embrace the improvisational nature of my art, knowing that when I have done my homework, I can fly without a net and not be afraid.

And so, as another preview came, I decided to step out on the edge of the cliff. And it was exhilarating. Definitely scary, but decidedly not as painful as the night before.

I will look the audience in the face each and every night and I will ask them, through the story, to join me on the journey. And, if they choose not to go, that's ok. My journey as Vivian cannot ever be perfect. If I don't have to worry about perfection, what is there to be afraid of? I just need to go out each night and play, minister, tell the story.

So, even on Opening Night, when part of the story was jumbled in my head and it didn't come out "perfect," it didn't matter. The audience didn't know - they were in the story. So, I jumped back in with them. And, it was a great roller coaster ride.

Fear. I'm going to face it every night.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Concentrate

Twelve-hour rehearsal yesterday for WIT. It was an exercise in concentration, what with set pieces being screwed into the ceiling, power tools humming right outside the door and photos being taken - all during the run-through. In some ways I was glad for it because I know that I must have the story in me if I can keep on-track with all of that going on.

But, I have to admit that I still have moments of panic - have I built my story strong enough? I guess it's time for an audience.

Headed to Mass this afternoon with my wig back on, and realized I am actually much more comfortable without it. Before shaving my head I would never have imagined that I would ever feel comfortable in the world with a bald head. But, there is power in it. I'm just glad the choice was mine.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

An After Thought

One thing right off the bat - I am not at all trying to compare my experience of shaving my head to anyone who has had to lose their hair due to illness. No one has accused me of that, but I don't want any of my posts to be misinterpreted. We actors can be a narcissistic beast, and while blogs can lean toward that description (whether they are actor blogs or other folks), I'm really just trying to express what might be an interesting study in vanity/acting/fear.

Fear. Yes, that was the word for today. Although, not in relation to my hair. It came up in two conversations I had with other actors. It is my goal for this production to not have the fear that has accompanied other shows. Oh, I've covered the fear pretty well in the past, but I KNOW that fear controls too much of my work.

My job is a storyteller and if fear is a part of it, I'm not telling the story in the best way I can. Of course, the irony is that Vivian Bearing (me in the story) is filled with fear - so much so that she can only let down her barriers when she is staring death in the face.

Isn't that the way? To be playing a character that struggles with exactly what I struggle with. Diana Castle, my acting teacher and artistic mentor, would say "What you want to hide, is exactly what we in the audience want to see." Taking it a step further, Vivian Bearing would call it ironic that the part of me that I control is exactly what needs to be shown and then released in this story.

God's timing is everything, isn't it?

I am grateful for the opportunity to shave my head and stare down fear and death without being there literally.

The shaved head seems an after thought . . . for today.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Bald woman walking

On our hike this morning, my husband, Lindsay, reminded me of the time he filmed Victor Garber getting his head shaved for a movie version of the musical, "Annie."  Victor's line as he walked into the room to have his head shaved?  "Bald man walking."  And so, I am one hour and 15 minutes away from that same line.

Why?  Because I am doing the play, WIT and I had the bright idea that the only way to do the role properly was to shave my head.  

Now of course, to say I am rethinking that bright idea, is putting it mildly.

I keep saying, "At least I'm not getting my head shaved for cancerous reasons, just artistic ones."  And that is a GOOD thing, a very good thing.  It is my own decision - no one is forcing me to do this, so we will have no whining.

I joke that I hope I don't find the numbers 666 on my scalp once it is bare.  But, I do wonder what I will find?  What will I feel?  Will I cry?  Will I want a scotch?  Time will tell.

I do know that playing Vivian Bearing is one of the most important things I've ever done as an actress.  So it seems fitting that there would be something hard accompanying it.